We are not in this together...

I only have a second...but that is what goes through my mind the most....while living with this 'husband' of mine ....so now here we are still living together as man and wife, with two beautiful children, a beautiful home.....but we are not "in this together".  I lost my partner of the future, no matter what he says now. Blindly and naively, I thought that we would be together in the future.  Tough times or not.  Ugly times or not.  Our retirement money, savings, car choice--hell, even painting the house---it was for us, for the future.  Now.....well.....I see how easily he is willing to throw me and the kids away. It only took about a month of a physical affair, and a few months of an emotional one to say "see ya, don't let the door hit ya!" to everything we had built in 10 years. And I'm not talking about the fact that I don't have anyone to protect me anymore. That's a different post. I'm just talking about "together". I don't have someone to be an "us" or "together" with. Yes, he is physically here, which is more than some get, but his being here is no longer something I will bank on or even plan for.

I'm dealing with this in kind of a strange way, but at least I recognize it for what it is. I've always been frugal.  Very frugal. Didn't need much, always bought on sale, wasn't an extravagant buyer by a long shot, didn't carry a credit card balance, kept my cars for years and years....but I'm slowly turning into quite the shopper. As in I actually buy things.  We went and bought the entertainment center chairs with all the fancy cupholders in it that we had been dreaming about for years, and bought new Halloween decorations this year--before the Halloween sales! Why do we need to save money anymore?  He will probably just take it all when he turns mean and ugly and has another affair, or goes back to the old one.  Also, I'm buying things I wouldn't normally by myself or the kids, so we can have it when I am a poor, single mother. Like I splurged and bought an airbrush for my cake decorating hobby that I've had for 7 years.  For 7 years I've mulled over a 100-200$ or so airbrush, but couldn't justify the cost for something silly like making cakes. So even after hours spent on cakes that I made for birthdays and for friends, the colors were always slightly 'off' because I did it by hand, not with an airbrush.  But today I bought one.  Told my new self what I've been telling myself for about a month-- I deserve to have things I want, and I may need it in the future if I have no money and no job when he leaves us.

Like preparing for a hurricane with pantry items and batteries.  But it's not some hurricane I'm preparing for---it's abandonment by the one I chose to marry and create two innocent lives with.

First Faux Family Holiday, Thanksgiving

Our first holiday since I found out the person I chose to marry 10 years ago and have children with had no integrity, is a liar and cheater.

It's a crazy feeling.  If I hadn't have made my little discovery and made my fun phone calls to the loose woman's husband, where would be today?

Well....we probably would have been separated. I would have not been aware of the little side job going on, (IF it was still going on), the kids would have probably split up the day-- half with me and my family/ friends, and half for them going over to A's sister's house, where they hate to be because it is so loud and dirty and his family is so cold and unwelcoming.

Scary to think about that.  I sit here and am bitter that he is with our family acting as if he did nothing, and my life isn't upside down, and my children's future hangs in the balance---but geez----the alternative would be worse. ?  Maybe?  Yes.  Definitely.  My babies having to go over to that house without me and feel like outcasts, and wonder why their mother wasn't there like I always had been, and wonder what is going on with their lives---that would have been worse.

Then why does this suck and I keep bringing the affair up to A today?  Because it is on my mind every second. Every second.  I should just keep it to myself.  But I can't.

Thanks to the Lord that my family is healthy, and all present with us today.  And for that, which so many others don't have---I am blessed.

Our 2011 Christmas Card this year....

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