Today my heart fell on the floor

He finally admitted a couple of weeks ago that he has been lying to me since I discovered the affair, and lied to two marriage counselors.
That is the part that has been killing me the most, the lies.  I finally told him that I can't live with a liar, and since he tells me (yet again) that NOW he is telling me the truth, that he should take that polygraph I've been asking him to take for months. To prove that he indeed hasn't been seeing the whore since August, like he says. And that he has never had an affair before this.  Both deal breakers.

Unfortunately, he has now had a change of heart, and told me today that he absolutely refuses to take a polygraph. Wow. What a huge admission of guilt.  I cried and cried and begged him to say he would take one.  I said I can't live with a liar, because living with what he had done already was horrible enough.

We had a fun argument about verbal abuse. He says that I verbally abuse him.  I told him he had been emotionally abusing me since we met. So he didn't believe that, so I looked up 'verbal abuse' on the internet.  It was interesting.  It says that the victims of emotional abuse will develop anxiety and chronic depression.  I had my first depressive episode  right before our old wedding date. Because I had called of the wedding because he had that anger issue I always talk about. The quick temper. I wasn't sure we should get married.

LOL.

Anyhow, we both drew our lines in the sand today. I told him as he had his underwear and computer with him so he could leave since I told him to if he didn't take the poly that he had to leave. I told him--tell me that you will take the polygraph to save our family. And you don't have to leave them.  I got on my knees and begged him to do what I asked of him to keep our boys together in our nuclear family. And he didn't.  He left to take our oldest to his grandmother's house.  He actually seemed in a pretty good mood.  He went and looked around for the house he has been dying to buy since I found out about the affair.

I found another old email last night.  It was gross.  And so painful to read. I will write about it later.  but just know that between that, and then what happened today---I now realize he is not in this marriage. He is done with it.  But he doesn't want to be the bad guy and leave, he is just waiting for me to do the dirty work. Or he is waiting for her to come back to him.

I rue the day I ever met him.

My poor, poor beautiful babies.  I wanted to give them the world.  And now I can't even give them a family. I'm so sorry, my babies. I love you with all my heart.  I have lost myself and given away all of my morals by trying to stay with your father, someone who lies, cheats and gloats at my misery.

You can't teach a liar morality.

I just spent an hour yelling at him trying to show the person I married 13 years ago, who at the time and up until 4 months ago represented loyalty, honesty, and respect---what a lie is.  He refuses to acknowledge that omissions are lies. Now, back in the day....I probably would have agreed with him.  But in dealing with affairs---omissions are indeed lies.  I just don't get how a person who didn't lie to me in any appreciably fashion for 13 years can just lie, lie, lie now.  What turned him into this person? Did she do it to him?  Was he always one and managed to hide it so well for so many years.  Hell, I catch my mom in lies all the time, but never caught him in one.

But now.....he is a LIAR!!!

And he's a mean one!! He truly is a broken person.  His father died when he was really young.  Back when  I was contemplating marriage to someone who had quite the irrational temper and was even worse when drunk---I read a book that had 10 things to watch out for when marrying.  If anyone actually reads this post, you may be offended, but I swear I read it in a book! But one of them was that if their parent died when they were very young, or if they had an alcoholic parent.  I remember thinking "oh crap" and debated it for a while. But then I just said "oh, it is a stupid book", this guy is pretty freaking wonderful when he isn't angry.  And married him anyways!

Yay me!