Today my heart fell on the floor

He finally admitted a couple of weeks ago that he has been lying to me since I discovered the affair, and lied to two marriage counselors.
That is the part that has been killing me the most, the lies.  I finally told him that I can't live with a liar, and since he tells me (yet again) that NOW he is telling me the truth, that he should take that polygraph I've been asking him to take for months. To prove that he indeed hasn't been seeing the whore since August, like he says. And that he has never had an affair before this.  Both deal breakers.

Unfortunately, he has now had a change of heart, and told me today that he absolutely refuses to take a polygraph. Wow. What a huge admission of guilt.  I cried and cried and begged him to say he would take one.  I said I can't live with a liar, because living with what he had done already was horrible enough.

We had a fun argument about verbal abuse. He says that I verbally abuse him.  I told him he had been emotionally abusing me since we met. So he didn't believe that, so I looked up 'verbal abuse' on the internet.  It was interesting.  It says that the victims of emotional abuse will develop anxiety and chronic depression.  I had my first depressive episode  right before our old wedding date. Because I had called of the wedding because he had that anger issue I always talk about. The quick temper. I wasn't sure we should get married.

LOL.

Anyhow, we both drew our lines in the sand today. I told him as he had his underwear and computer with him so he could leave since I told him to if he didn't take the poly that he had to leave. I told him--tell me that you will take the polygraph to save our family. And you don't have to leave them.  I got on my knees and begged him to do what I asked of him to keep our boys together in our nuclear family. And he didn't.  He left to take our oldest to his grandmother's house.  He actually seemed in a pretty good mood.  He went and looked around for the house he has been dying to buy since I found out about the affair.

I found another old email last night.  It was gross.  And so painful to read. I will write about it later.  but just know that between that, and then what happened today---I now realize he is not in this marriage. He is done with it.  But he doesn't want to be the bad guy and leave, he is just waiting for me to do the dirty work. Or he is waiting for her to come back to him.

I rue the day I ever met him.

My poor, poor beautiful babies.  I wanted to give them the world.  And now I can't even give them a family. I'm so sorry, my babies. I love you with all my heart.  I have lost myself and given away all of my morals by trying to stay with your father, someone who lies, cheats and gloats at my misery.

You can't teach a liar morality.

I just spent an hour yelling at him trying to show the person I married 13 years ago, who at the time and up until 4 months ago represented loyalty, honesty, and respect---what a lie is.  He refuses to acknowledge that omissions are lies. Now, back in the day....I probably would have agreed with him.  But in dealing with affairs---omissions are indeed lies.  I just don't get how a person who didn't lie to me in any appreciably fashion for 13 years can just lie, lie, lie now.  What turned him into this person? Did she do it to him?  Was he always one and managed to hide it so well for so many years.  Hell, I catch my mom in lies all the time, but never caught him in one.

But now.....he is a LIAR!!!

And he's a mean one!! He truly is a broken person.  His father died when he was really young.  Back when  I was contemplating marriage to someone who had quite the irrational temper and was even worse when drunk---I read a book that had 10 things to watch out for when marrying.  If anyone actually reads this post, you may be offended, but I swear I read it in a book! But one of them was that if their parent died when they were very young, or if they had an alcoholic parent.  I remember thinking "oh crap" and debated it for a while. But then I just said "oh, it is a stupid book", this guy is pretty freaking wonderful when he isn't angry.  And married him anyways!

Yay me!

We are not in this together...

I only have a second...but that is what goes through my mind the most....while living with this 'husband' of mine ....so now here we are still living together as man and wife, with two beautiful children, a beautiful home.....but we are not "in this together".  I lost my partner of the future, no matter what he says now. Blindly and naively, I thought that we would be together in the future.  Tough times or not.  Ugly times or not.  Our retirement money, savings, car choice--hell, even painting the house---it was for us, for the future.  Now.....well.....I see how easily he is willing to throw me and the kids away. It only took about a month of a physical affair, and a few months of an emotional one to say "see ya, don't let the door hit ya!" to everything we had built in 10 years. And I'm not talking about the fact that I don't have anyone to protect me anymore. That's a different post. I'm just talking about "together". I don't have someone to be an "us" or "together" with. Yes, he is physically here, which is more than some get, but his being here is no longer something I will bank on or even plan for.

I'm dealing with this in kind of a strange way, but at least I recognize it for what it is. I've always been frugal.  Very frugal. Didn't need much, always bought on sale, wasn't an extravagant buyer by a long shot, didn't carry a credit card balance, kept my cars for years and years....but I'm slowly turning into quite the shopper. As in I actually buy things.  We went and bought the entertainment center chairs with all the fancy cupholders in it that we had been dreaming about for years, and bought new Halloween decorations this year--before the Halloween sales! Why do we need to save money anymore?  He will probably just take it all when he turns mean and ugly and has another affair, or goes back to the old one.  Also, I'm buying things I wouldn't normally by myself or the kids, so we can have it when I am a poor, single mother. Like I splurged and bought an airbrush for my cake decorating hobby that I've had for 7 years.  For 7 years I've mulled over a 100-200$ or so airbrush, but couldn't justify the cost for something silly like making cakes. So even after hours spent on cakes that I made for birthdays and for friends, the colors were always slightly 'off' because I did it by hand, not with an airbrush.  But today I bought one.  Told my new self what I've been telling myself for about a month-- I deserve to have things I want, and I may need it in the future if I have no money and no job when he leaves us.

Like preparing for a hurricane with pantry items and batteries.  But it's not some hurricane I'm preparing for---it's abandonment by the one I chose to marry and create two innocent lives with.

First Faux Family Holiday, Thanksgiving

Our first holiday since I found out the person I chose to marry 10 years ago and have children with had no integrity, is a liar and cheater.

It's a crazy feeling.  If I hadn't have made my little discovery and made my fun phone calls to the loose woman's husband, where would be today?

Well....we probably would have been separated. I would have not been aware of the little side job going on, (IF it was still going on), the kids would have probably split up the day-- half with me and my family/ friends, and half for them going over to A's sister's house, where they hate to be because it is so loud and dirty and his family is so cold and unwelcoming.

Scary to think about that.  I sit here and am bitter that he is with our family acting as if he did nothing, and my life isn't upside down, and my children's future hangs in the balance---but geez----the alternative would be worse. ?  Maybe?  Yes.  Definitely.  My babies having to go over to that house without me and feel like outcasts, and wonder why their mother wasn't there like I always had been, and wonder what is going on with their lives---that would have been worse.

Then why does this suck and I keep bringing the affair up to A today?  Because it is on my mind every second. Every second.  I should just keep it to myself.  But I can't.

Thanks to the Lord that my family is healthy, and all present with us today.  And for that, which so many others don't have---I am blessed.

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